My life is not so bad. I have just had a great weekend starting with dinner and a movie with friends Friday night, continuing to a indie movie premier and after party Saturday night, and a good day at church and time hanging out with a friend's family today. My life has all the makings of a rather marvelous time.
Still have trouble being content with my current situation. It's hard not to get discouraged during the job hunt. I am a broken record. This is probably eerily similar to blog posts I wrote last summer. Regardless of how may times I beat the dead horse, it still stinks to be unemployed and uncertain of the future.
One could state the cliche, the future is always uncertain. Even people who think that their future is set in stone could be injured tomorrow and unable to work the next day. A person could think he/she is getting married to the love of his/her life tomorrow, and a car accident could change everything. (I know that's morbid and terrible, but it is nevertheless true.) I could get a call tomorrow for an interview and have job by Friday for all I know.
Regardless whether this cliche rings true or not, it is difficult. I know how unbelievably blessed I am. I have amazing friends, supportive family, and a great education under my belt. I can't help but wonder, "What will I do if I don't get a job?" There isn't a whole hell of a lot to do with a Social Studies degree and a teaching certificate. Jobs in history are not that plentiful either. I'd really rather not go back to working fast food and living with my parents. I know that in this economy there's no shame in it, but it's still really frustrating.
Does it make me an ungrateful wretch to be frustrated with my life? There are probably people who would trade me in a minute. Maybe I'm too full of myself. I had a friend who used to respond when asked, "How are you?" "Better than I deserve."
This is probably true. I am better than I deserve. For all the things I do that displease God on a regular basis, I deserve to be a bag lady, sleeping on park benches, getting beaten up by thugs for pocket change. Of course, I'm not in that predicament. God's always provided for me in the nick of time. So why do I continue to worry? Why don't I trust him to always provide? I guess part of my concern is that what I want is not what he wants, and I, like a stubborn child, desperately want him to give me what I think will help me the most. Yet again, for all I know, what he wants is something much greater than anything I could imagine for myself. Maybe this hardship will lead to personal growth and higher self efficacy. Maybe determining that I can live without the creature comforts I'm used to will lead to greater self-reliance and self-confidence.
Too many maybes I suppose. I don't do well with uncertainty. I am reminded of a song from the musical Into the Woods called, "No More." The link to the lyrics is posted below:
I guess all the maybes make me think of that song. Just more questions....different kinds.