These are just a few of the comments I received from students when they found out about me not coming back next year. They don't understand necessarily how tenure works, or how the number of students determines how many principals we're allowed or any of that. I'm an adult. I knew something like this would happen; I've mentioned it before. Now I'm focusing on putting in applications for jobs in other counties.
Today was bittersweet at best. It more or less stunk. I was missing like 50% of my kids. The other 50 % wanted to escape. Who could blame them? Summer is an exciting time for them. For me, it means another summer spent in the middle of a living room floor filling out applications....80% of which I will never receive any sort of feedback on 95% of which I will never get an interview for. (I totally made up those statistics, but with over 50 applications, 3 interviews, and of course 1 job offer last year, I can't be that far off on the math.) It's a lot of tedious paperwork to get a random job, in a likely inconvenient place.
I hate job hunting. I hate driving to random places for interviews. (Granted I've never had to drive to an interview myself, but I just hate driving in general.) I hate moving. I hate uprooting what little life I managed to establish while in Hoptown to move to an unknown location. I know that hate is a strong word, but pretty much it describes how I feel about change. I hate the idea of being alone in the middle of nowhere again.
So as much as I've accepted the fact that I no longer have a job, and that I understand why I do not have a job, I am still having trouble thinking positively about the whole experience. Everyone tells me to look at it as an adventure, but I am not an adventurous person. They joke that I will meet the man of my dreams or find an even better job, but until I can find a place I'm going to stick around for longer than eleven months at a time, I can't even think about establishing relationships. Leaving my friends is hard enough.
I poured everything I could into this job and into my life here. I tried to get established at a church, I tried making new friends, and I even managed to find a good towing company and auto body shop. Now I somehow have to come up with enough energy and courage to possibly do that again. This summer will not be fun for me. I will probably worry and obsess and do what I always do when faced with a problem that probably isn't that big of a deal. Then of course there is the challenge if I do get a job of somehow getting established at the school. Being a "new teacher" in a school makes me tired just thinking about it. I no longer have "zero" experience, but I will still have a lot of unknowns.
I'm trying to not think to far ahead of myself. I know what I need to do first. I need to get moved out of my classroom. I need to get all my appointments in to doctor's before my insurance runs out. I need to clean my apartment, so I have a place to work that doesn't make me even crazier than I already am. I need something else to do other than fill out applications, or else I really will go crazy. I have no idea what that may be. Most importantly I need some prayers right now, because I'm not sure I can do this myself.
As upset as I am right now, I have been very blessed to be here in Hopkinsville. I have met some wonderful people, and learned so many things about myself. Maybe I won't have to go so far, or if I do, I'll at least be closer to family, so I won't be so alone. This year, I was just thrilled to get a job. It didn't matter so much to me that it was far away from home. Now I find that home has changed, though Knoxville will always be home, because that's where mom and dad are. I found home in Hopkinsville by throwing myself into my work with my kids and by doing so making some really great connections with wonderful people who I was blessed to call my coworkers. They became my new family. I love them, and I know many of them love me. Maybe Hoptown was just a stepping stone to greater things, but if that's the case, God's setting me up for a life that is better than I deserve.